I wonder if it is easier to know who you are not rather than who you are? And who defines that anyway?

Years ago (perhaps 2013) I was in Ireland at a women’s conference, planning to present a psychodrama workshop on “Being Your Authentic Self.” I poked my head out of the door of my room (despite appearances, I tend to be quite introverted in large groups where “meeting and greeting” and small talk seems to be a requirement)- just as the woman in the room next door was poking her head out…I recognised her from the program and we chatted (briefly). One of the things she defined herself as was a “Hedgewitch” (or is it Hedge Witch?). I remember being curious and asking her about it (what is a Hedgewitch anyway?). I actually don’t remember her answer. I do remember that she oozed an “I’m special” vibe and a “mind your own business” vibe.

As it evolved, my workshop was poorly attended and I discovered once more that the word “Psychodrama” generates terror in many peoples’ hearts…And combined with authenticity, it was fatal. People said they were curious but didn’t come because they feared it would be too confronting…(What the hell is wrong with confronting? I have a personal love of it!)

Perhaps I am a Hedgewitch.

I have spent all of my professional life having to explain who I was and what I do (“Oh, what’s an Occupational Therapist? What’s Psychodrama? What’s that symbol you wear?”).

I have often found myself in the in-between places. Not quite a corporate woman, despite working long hours in management in a patriarchal corporation; not quite a business consultant, despite spending a good 20 years as one; not quite a good mother (by patriarchal definitions); not quite a good partner (patriarchal again); not quite new age or alternative. I love science, maths and structure… and I love trees, the spirit of place, sacred ancient landscapes and symbols, various Goddesses, ritual, the women’s mysteries and herbs.

I don’t know if there is a technical definition of Hedgewitch. She who lives on the edge of the village or town.

She who loves her own company, quality relationships and does not tolerate fools. She who understands structure and patriarchy and can work with this and the best that it brings without being seduced into patriarchal conformity. She who loves the earth and sentient beings and inhabits the wild borderlands. She who lives and celebrates the ways of women’s wisdom and healing but can also accept and use the best that western medicine has to offer.

Perhaps it is the Hedgewitches of this world who will form the bridge, or even the truly authentic and equal marriage of the best of patriarchy and the best of matriarchy (aka Cyclical Wisdom).

It’s a fear-some word that includes the word witch. Sharon Blackie in her book “Hagitude” talks of the “Witch Wound” having come about as a result of the witch burnings, and giving us a deep fear of being too different, or labelled as weird, a fringe dweller, an outcast (for these were the ones who were burned). Too confronting. Not chosen.

I think I am a Hedgewitch

Does any of this resonate with you?

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. 

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urge that motivates you.

Keep the channel open.”
 

Martha Graham to Agnes DeMillein ‘Dance to the Piper’

---

During Women’s Wisdom Circle 2 days ago, as a part of setting intentions, I affirmed the many threads of me and my life that create my unique way of being, unique way of bringing my work to the world.

What are the many threads and learnings of your life that you weave together to create your unique self?

As a Maga woman (or a Queen/Creatrix/Autumn Woman or whatever you wish to call that phase between Mother and Crone) I experience the solidness of gathering these threads and affirming to myself “This is me…There is no other exactly like me”.

My uniqueness includes my role as mother to 3 daughters, grandmother to 6 small people, partner, occupational therapist, psychodramatist, counsellor, group therapist, shamanic craftswoman, teacher, knitter/crafter and Irish pagan…and other roles. What are your roles that woven together make up your uniqueness?

Frida Kahlo

I went to see the Frida Kahlo exhibition at the Sydney Festival with my daughters last week. We all love Frida and she is a role model for weaving your threads together to become your unique self.

There is also a shadow side to this uniqueness which seems to be a theme seasonally at Summer time – the time of the Mother.

Belonging

Because ‘Mother’ as a life phase is so oriented to relationships, the wounding of “Where do I belong? Who do I belong with?” can come up fiercely. Alone-ness, lonely-ness. A child’s unexpressed question translated to the woman – “Who will love me in my unique-ness?” And, unresolved, the wound might be carried through to the Maga years.

I guess that Frida belonged with Diego Rivera – I haven’t yet resolved that puzzle!

I have a stronger sense of Belonging now than ever before. I used to focus on where I didn’t belong, where I didn’t fit. Even when I was younger, I used to think, “How can I make myself fit,” as I suffered the contortions of making myself the shape and texture of what society and those around me thought I “should” be.

And now, I belong with my beloved partner, my family and my work – all of which are unique and treasured. I belong to land and times, some of which I don’t see clearly. And to my friends, of which I don’t have many – well I have lots, but the friends who have been a thread coming in and out of my life and theirs – they are my Belonging ones.

And especially with these 3 women. My children – the children of the Mother phase of my life. Jaime turns 40 this week, so I have been a Mother now (Earth-side) for 40 years. Wow! So much gratitude, and reflection, and a few regrets. We are unique. Let’s celebrate xxx

I find myself with little to say right now. In my cave. Which I quite like. 
Struggling with technology as I commence using a HICAPS machine. What that means is: if you see me for counselling, you will need to pay for the session in full at the time of consult by Eftpos (or you can pay the gap in cash at the time)…….. AND I can process your medicare rebate on the spot. This is one of my chief “making my life simpler” strategies as it will cut down significantly on admin time. Well- at least it will when I get used to the technology of it.
Unfortunately it will also mean a small increase in session fees at some point (maybe February) to cover the cost of the technology (and bank fees).

And I have begun in earnest to plan and write my book on Shadow Cycles – Cyclical Wisdom for Mental Health. This will weave together the threads of my learnings and experience- Western medicine, Shamanic Womancraft, Psychodrama, Goddess work and the rituals of the seasons and a broad range of counselling modalities. 
Who knows.. it may even morph into my own particular sort of counselling and groupwork training………. time will tell!
In the meantime from my cave……… I wish you all a year to come of dreams-come-true; whatever those dreams may be.

Today my Mum and Dad decided to go to the shops and Bingo. This may not sound like a revolutionary action – but last week they had covid. They are in their 80s, and had managed to avoid it until now. So I was immensely relieved to hear about the shopping/bingo adventure.

And this week, in an unrelated germ invasion, I managed to get it. This was my 2nd go round with the virus. In some things I am a slow learner. When I need rest but keep going, my body ends up enforcing rest. So rest is what I am doing (mostly).

The sun has been around for a good few days now…and the winds. The garden is wild and the house much happier now that there has been so little rain (how can I tell if my house is happy? Listen….) We do love rain, but sometimes enough is enough! 

It is still cold here in the Mountains and the fire needs to be lit most days. I have developed a dislike for curtains and am trying to leave windows bare so as to invite the outside in….Here is my office window in the morning light. Wild indeed.

“For the rebels and the misfits, the black sheep and the outsiders.
For the refugees, the orphans, the scapegoats, and the weirdos.
For the uprooted, the abandoned, the shunned and invisible ones.

May you recognize with increasing vividness that you know what you know.
May you give up your allegiances to self-doubt, meekness, and hesitation.
May you be willing to be unlikeable, and in the process be utterly loved.
May you be impervious to the wrongful projections of others, and may you deliver your disagreements with precision and grace.
May you see, with the consummate clarity of nature moving through you, that your voice is not only necessary, but desperately needed to sing us out of this middle.
May you feel shored up, supported, entwined, and reassured as you offer yourself and your gifts to the world.
May you know for certain that even as you stand by yourself, you are not alone.” 

‘Belonging. Remembering Ourselves Home’ by Toko-pa Turner.